Aliso Viejo, California - Despite the belief by many that “living together” is the same as marriage, and that life is “no different” after a wedding day if cohabitation has been prolonged, the fact of life keeps arising and dawning on all couples: Marriage changes relationships dramatically no matter how long the couple has been living together, and many marriages break up quickly even after years of living together beforehand. Some writers have suggested that the answer to this kind of problem is purity before marriage.

“I married my best friend,” says one former University instructor. “But he didn’t make a good husband.  After four years of living together happily, the fifth we married.  By year six it was over.  For one thing, there was no magic in getting married.  It seemed like our sex life sagged right after that.”  However, couples who wait for sex before the wedding day have an entirely different orientation that makes their relationships unfold in a uniquely different way that seems to result in an opposite trend.

“Couples who begin marriage without sex have a big advantage that nobody really has thought about since the 1920s or so, when divorce became easy”, says dating authority Lani Niederecker, MA, President of BlessedDates.com, a unique “courtship” website exclusively for Christian Singles.  “‘Pure couples today begin their lives together begin that way purposefully, willfully, given today’s sexual standards, it’s a choice. They’ve gone into the sexual relationship with full acceptance and a promise to stick it out through thick and thin.  In this light, sex is allowed to be far more intimate and special because of that commitment.” Ms. Niederecker points to a stack of books on dating, gender differences, sexuality, and psychology, and tells me to reference any of these findings in studies that show that people who wait have happier and more fulfilling sex lives.

“Here’s another fact.  Married people get laid more often than single people.  So people complaining that after marriage there’s not much sex, are usually men.  They wore out the woman as she tried to get him into a commitment situation, in sexual terms. Once married, she’s achieved her goal.  No wonder it diminishes after the wedding day.”

“Conversely, purely married couples have a different goal.  Women who aren’t having sex before marriage, know full well the expectations afterwards.  What they don’t expect is the satisfaction and sheer fun of exploring sex inside commitment.  It’s thrilling, and people haven’t tried it much in almost 100 years.”

As many maintain, just because one isn’t a virgin, doesn’t change the psychological  aspects of being pure with the future spouse. Some believe that it won’t matter if they cheat a bit a few days beforehand.  “That’s total rubbish,” Lani says as she is nonchalantly flipping through a Cosmo magazine and pointing out several articles that “scream desperation of women trying to get the man with free milk to buy the cow”, she says.

Taking a different tactic, she suggests I try “a different frame” to my thinking.  “It’s really the ultimate kinky, making a real life commitment based on respect and who a person is, and then having sex afterward, and watch it bloom like crazy as the sex gets more practiced and good.” She says this as opposed to the reverse, of finding sexual partners one likes, and then forcing “love” onto that “frame”.  “Many people say that they haven’t had thrills like this since high school - well - that’s probably the last time they really waited and knew more about the person first.”  Her point is well-taken as rushes of thoughts of those tingly first few stolen kisses everybody has probably had with someone new. “Sex just isn’t that complicated, people pretend it is - but anybody can learn good techniques. The whole ‘pure marriage’ relationship is oriented and unfolds in a completely different way, and continues along that path forever, really. It’s like one big long honeymoon, and the fact of the matter is you can verify that with well-run surveys.”

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